I can’t remember when I started reading the obituaries. I didn’t even turn to that page before I got cancer. During treatment, the newspaper was a welcome distraction and I actually read it instead of scanning the headlines the way I did when I was a working mother-of-four. The first time I looked at the obituaries, it was out of curiosity. How did other cancer patient’s families announce the passing of their loved one? What an eye-opener!
The obituaries with a photo caught my eye first. Most of the pictures were pretty dated. I envisioned a grieving spouse frantically searching for a nice picture to put in the paper, going through drawers of photos from family get-togethers, Aunt Jean’s 80th birthday celebration, or a long lost high school yearbook. The ones without pictures got me wondering: did no picture exist or was it too challenging for the family to get one to the editors?
Virtually every obituary about a cancer patient had the same theme: he or she died after a long (or short) COURAGEOUS BATTLE with the disease. Visions of war were planted in my brain. Not a bad metaphor, but personally I would never use those words. I told my family that, should I die of my cancer and they put a line like that in my obituary, I would come from the other side to give them what-for!!
Nobody has been able to enlighten me about the source of the war metaphor. After reading as many cancer books as possible, written from all sorts of perspectives, it occurs to me that our cultural heritage and stereotypes encourage aggression against an invader and that is how most of us see our cancer. Almost all patients, but men in particular, feel threatened by their cancer. The hormone testosterone is much higher in men then in women and it evokes a fight response. I suspect that if you took a poll of average female cancer patients in whom estrogen is the dominant hormone, the cancer battle may be quite different. I don’t mean to imply that women’s will to survive cancer is any less strong, just that their approach may be less direct than the war metaphor.
When a woman is faced with a challenge as formidable as cancer, she will tend to seek support among her closest friends and experience the disease process as part of her cure. Communicating with other cancer patients and sharing their stories is key to survival. Another difference I see between men and women and their approach to cancer is that men see the problem as a finite issue. They want a few definitive answers: why did I get cancer? What is the most effective treatment? What are the survival statistics? They want to treat and move on. They are seeking a path back to the normality they had before cancer. Women ask the same questions but add a few more. They want to be involved with their health care team. They want to explore most all avenues before making the final decisions about treatment. I have consulted with patients who sought out at least five opinions before deciding on the right course of treatment. I think this is because women need to make a connection with their caregiver that makes them feel not only cared for, but cared about. Women are more prone to find a “new normal” and to incorporate the cancer into it.
After cancer, the majority of men are ready to put the disease behind them. If they need to battle again at a later date, so be it. Women continue to identify with their cancer for long periods of time if not forever. Survivor status may come to define them and alter their lives forever. The best advocates, fundraisers, and educators are survivors who feel compelled to get the word out. Contributions such as those made by Nancy Brinker, founder of the Susan G. Komen Foundation, are incredible because she is a survivor with the drive to give back to other cancer patients, their families, and friends. I consider Nancy a role model and a friend. She helped me through my struggles by example. If I could touch even a fraction of the people she has, I would consider myself a success.
I mean no disrespect to cancer patients that are very aggressive about their cancer fight. Probably those same patients have more aggressive personalities before cancer. They are the ones seen wearing T-shirts at cancer events that say things like CANCER SUCKS. I wonder if they do better or survive longer. I am not aware of any data on personality sub-types and survival. I find fighting and intense confrontation really uncomfortable. Getting riled up for a fight against cancer is as stressful a thought as the cancer itself! Better to find a way to be inspired by cancer to make a mark on the planet. The less-aggressive cancer patients, like me, would wear a T-shirt that would say something like CANCER CAN BE THE ANSWER. Suffice to say that whatever works for a particular individual to get them through treatment is the right approach for them.
Back to the obituaries. Whether I die from a recurrence of this cancer, a different cancer, or something altogether unrelated, I want the record to reflect that my relationship with cancer was symbiotic and my obituary to be a tribute to my cancer.
No discussion of obituaries would be complete without a brief mention of funerals and memorial services. Most funerals I have attended are for the living. Unless the deceased requested something special, it is up to the remaining family members to determine what is best. Some of you might remember the cult movie Harold and Maude where the 70-something year-old Maude meets the 20-smoething year-old Harold because they both attend funerals for entertainment. The movie is a spoof on death, but the central message is positive. Death may take us away from this earth, but a life lived fully should engender only short-term mourning. The goal to remain alive without quality may not be right for some people. I once met Ruth Gordon, the actress who played Maude. She, like her character, lived life to the fullest and was ready for what could befall her. At my funeral…take that back…I don’t want a funeral. When my ultimate day of rest gets here, I request a reception. Please serve Tollhouse cookies and play Motown and I will know you got the message right!
|
